Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
