It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
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