nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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