If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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