you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
