Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I've blown a few things in my day
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
