No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
