I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
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Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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