Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
