probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
