Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
