I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
