good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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