you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
how does that bad decision feel?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
