So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
