He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
