Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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