hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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