Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
