You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm sobbing to NWA
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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