i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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