I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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