I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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