I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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