About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
