Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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