he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
