Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
