I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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