Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
