K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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