new low.... made out with someone while peeing
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
