9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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