I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
