my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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