I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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