turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
