what day is it and did you see me today?
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
