Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
