im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
