I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
