I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You're a waste of cheezeits
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
