First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
