So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
