I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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