i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Randomize
