he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
