btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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