This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
