Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
