I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
