maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
i think i just lost a toe
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
